The Sunday Funnies

Last Sunday, my home teacher and his wife (my visiting teacher...I know...it's kismet)

spoke in church. Before he began his talk, he started with the usual..."When the Bishop asked us to speak" joke.

{Disclaimer: this one was actually funny.}

HT: "When the Bishop asked us to speak in church last week, I told him we were better at praying than actually giving a talk. Prayers are much shorter than talks and we are not long winded people. Then I told the Bishop that if he wanted to be sure that we took up our allotted time he should

tape a cell phone to the microphone--and then my wife would be able to speak for the

entire hour."

So, what's your best--giving a talk in church joke?

A School Haiku

Going back to school

Is insanity times two

No slackers allowed

The First Day of School

Remember that scripture, judge not that ye be judged?

I'm reaping it 13-fold after my first day of school on Monday.

A big worry of my kids' during the first week of school...is losing their lunch box. I cannot count how many times during the first week of school {while they are still figuring out the lay of the land} that my kids lose their lunch box.

I'll confess. I used to think, "C'mon teachers! How hard is it to keep track of 25 lunchboxes. I mean, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to explain to a bunch of kids that if they want to keep track of their lunch box--put it in the big, blue tote labeled Miss X."

Makes perfect sense.

Until Monday.

When I single-handedly lost 13 lunchboxes from our classroom.

Naturally, this wasn't discovered till the end of the day.

Tears were shed.

Humiliation was felt.

Guilt was experienced.

In my defense, all but two teachers put their names front and center on the lunch box tote.

My teacher didn't.

So when 13 kids including my own flesh and blood--Savvy and Aussie asked me where to put their lunchboxes so they could head to recess--I directed them to the clear tote.

Oh sure, the room numbers were on them. But, if you think I remembered what room number my classroom was--you do not know me very well at all. I mean, I barely remembered what building I needed to be in. It is a well documented fact that my brain lacks the crucial navigational skill to keep me from getting lost.

{And you'd better believe that without diet coke fueling my system...we're lucky more lunchboxes weren't lost...and children.}

At the first sign of trouble, I immediately began taking down the names of the students of who {I} had misplaced lunchboxes. I was in school teacher mode like there was no tomorrow cause I was pretty sure if I didn't find these lunchboxes there would be no job tomorrow.

Savvy and I searched the entire 4th and 5th grade for extra lunchboxes--nothing.

Then we headed to the 2nd and 3rd grade building--still nothing although there was a extra Dora the Explorer lunchbox--but I was pretty sure a 4th grader wouldn't be caught dead with it.

We even asked the secretary in the office if any lunchboxes had been turned into the lost and found.

"What does it look like?" she asked.

An awkward explanation followed.

All that torture for nothing...because there wasn't a single, solitary lunchbox lost that day. Apparently, everyone else knew exactly where to put their lunchboxes.

Dejectedly, we headed to the lunchroom to meet up with the class who were waiting for parents to pick them up.

When what to our wandering eye should appear? Every single one of our kids were in possession of their lunchbox. It was Christmas in August! Magical-like.

{Well, not really magical so much as the teacher upon discovering 13 extra lunchboxes in her tote--returned them to the lunchroom.}

Hmm. I woulda never thought looking in the

LUNCH ROOM for LUNCH BOXES.

Genius. I tell you. Genius.

{Oh--and today? Our teacher labeled her lunchbox tote with her name. It's gratifying to see a teacher still willing to learn a lesson--talk about a life-long learner.}

So, what's the worst thing you've ever lost?

The Sunday Funnies: Savvy Edition

Savvy the Censor

Tonight as we were reading the scriptures , Savvy came upon verse 13 in Alma 36 and read, "Yea, I did remember all my sins and iniquities, for which I was tormented with the pains of BEEEEEEEEP {the word she bleeped out was hell}; yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments." {A few verses later she BEEEEPED out "damned".}

Savvy the Politically Correct

After church today, I was trying to get someone to rub my feet. So, I very kindly ordered Savvy and Aussie to, "Get rubbing my feet or your going to bed."

"Mother! Are you blackmailing us?" Aussie asked knowingly.

Savvy added, "Aussie--she might be black-male-ing you...but she's white-female-ing me."

URaDork

Last week, almost every day of our teacher training meetings, my friend, *Kallie's, cell phone kept going off. Apparently, setting her cell phone to vibrate only worked for incoming calls...not incoming texts. Since both her husband and friend sent her texts regularly, this proved to be a little embarrassing.

For most of the days of our training, Kallie had it set to a lovely chiming noise. It wasn't too obnoxious...but still awkward. I thought it was pretty funny...till I realized that people might think it was MY phone going off {because she was sitting next to me and acting like nothing was going on--she figured if she waited till the chiming stopped and then found her phone that no one would suspect it was her phone}.

On Friday morning, Kallie came to training proudly stating that she had finally figured out how to turn her phone...including texts...to vibrate. She had worked hard on this the evening before and was convinced her phone was fixed.

Halfway through our first lecture, this loud beeping noise--like morse code--went off. I mean, it was LOUD! There was no pretending that it wasn't her phone. If you could've seen the heads that whipped around to look at us, I wouldn't be surprised if some of those teachers ended up with whiplash it was pretty comical.

Kallie looked at her message, and a minute or two passed--and it went off again--and then again! It was loud! It was embarrassing! She finally went out to the hall to take care of a babysitting snafu.

After our first lecture ended, I said, "Give me your phone."

She laughed and handed it over. I found the text menu and changed it to vibrate. I wanted to make sure the phone was really set to vibrate--so I decided to send a test text.

I typed in my message--which said--URaDORK. {I know--real mature of me}. Then I asked her for her cell phone number so I could send it to her.

She gave it to me, I hit send--and nothing happened. We waited and watched and waited. Nothing happened.

We were sitting in an auditorium, so I figured we must not have good coverage in there and it would come through later.

Our classes started. The test text was forgotten.

Until 630 that evening.

I got a text {from Kallie's number} saying, "Who are you?"

At first, I thought it was Kallie being funny...till I looked up her number in my address book--and it didn't match the number she had given me.

I wanted to find a rock to crawl under.

As I was deciding what to do--ignore it, respond with something funny, apologize, blame my friend etc--I got another message.

"TrickyNic, I think Kallie gave you the wrong number." {TrickyNic is my automated signature for all the texts I send out--which is campy unless I'm sending it to a stranger}

I texted back (figuring I had called her husband a dork), "This is awkward. WhoRU?"

"My name is *Joe (Kallie's husband). I live in (my hometown). Where do you live?" {They were so setting me up..I knew they were on a date!}

I replied back, "I plead the 5th. But for the record, I used to be a model student--until I sat by Kallie at our meetings. She has corrupted me."

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent?

{Confession Time: Have you ever sent an email/text/left a mssg/for the wrong person?}

Just Call Me Sweet Cheeks

On Tuesday, I picked up Aussie and Savvy up from swim team. I was reading a book whilst I waited and so when they hopped in the car I didn't immediately drive off.

Aussie looked at me and said {in his best southern accent}, "Let's get this show on the road

sweet cheeks."

"Where did you hear that?" I asked.

"Awww. I'm just talking like a hippie,

darlin'," he answered.

Workin' 9 to 5

I started work last week at my kids' school as a teaching assistant. The kids don't actually start till next week..but last week was "new teacher training" and this week is just general teacher training/motivation etc.

I will admit, last week wasn't too bad. It was just two days of 8-12ish (which is what my schedule will be when school start with the kids. Plus, an added bonus--I actually get to work in my twins' class!).

This week? Killer! Today I was at the school from 8am--4 pm. Are you kidding me? I don't have the attention span for a day that long! I think I may be suffering from adult onset ADD.

I struggled. No phone calls. No blogging. No reading of books. And no {GASP} drinking of diet coke--as this appears to be a dry campus. Nary a pop machine was in sight!

The horror!

Of course, I didn't get home till 5 because I had to a) drop off DVD's that were due today {and late fees on the DVD's aren't something you want to mess with} and then b) stop at McDonalds for a 99 cent diet coke delight.

Yes. It's true. Diet Coke came before my family. According to Vern (of drug free schools) this is a true sign of an addiction.

Then, I got home and realized that my fairy godmother was off tonight and not available for cooking dinner. So, I headed to Big Daddy pizza and picked up a few pies.

As I walked in the door, I was greeted by my DH, El Jefe. It was a strange feeling.

El Jefe: How was work today?

SassyMama: I don't see how anyone in their right mind would ever want to work an 8 hour day. It was the hardest day of my life. First, I sat through hours of meetings and motivational crap...and now I am home and I still need to clean house, do laundry, make dinner (Big Daddy Pizza--you are my friend), and entertain the children. I mean, who would ever sign up for this?

El Jefe: What would happen if I said that?

SassyMama: You're the breadwinner. Besides, you're totally used to it. I am just not cut out for this kind of slave labor. 8-4? That was terrible!

El Jefe: You have days like that all the time with your Relief Society calling.

Crickets chirping.

SassyMama: Yes, but at least I'm getting blessings for that.

Here's a shout out to all you working mamas: You my sistas deserve an award!